I can relate to this for two reasons.

1. I hate my course right now.
2. I’m in love with Molly Ringwald too.

Today I plan on posting nothing of any worth to tumblr. I will probably end up doing nothing of any worth. My essay deadline is really soon and I should really get on with it but life, the world, whatever, seems to be conspiring against me to stop me from writing it. Doctors appointments, Pokémon sessions, computer viruses,  Harry Potter (reading it in preparation for seeing it. I need to go and see it), breakups, everything. It’s just not happening.

Last night I saw Hold Your Horse Is in a room of about 15 people and it managed to be one of the weirdest shows I’ve ever seen. I joined a band during the hour I was at the show. I’m gonna sing and we’re gonna learn some Death From Above 1979 covers. I think I’m also going to work on some lyrics of my own some more. I’ve got so many scraps and I need to pull them together. My first practice is Friday. I also went to Warehouse and fell in love somewhat with this beautiful girl behind the bar. She was nice and also ginger. Two of my favourite qualities. Needless to say, I approached the situation by drinking the better part of a two litre jug of Old Rosie and being a dickhead. I wonder if she will accept my Facebook friend request.

Whilst searching on Facebook for the person who bought the said two-litre jug (isn’t that weird? I’m friends with people on Facebook that I’ve never even met, but I’ve never added a guy I see and will happily drink with a fair bit until today), I stumbled across a guy who was in my form all through secondary school. He always walked the fine line between nice guy and dickhead, but he was probably nicer than me, so what can you do. Anyway, whilst I’m stuck on a course I hate in a town that I like but can, at times, feel so totally alien, single, alone, depressed, unaccomplished, whatever, this guy is engaged, booking his honeymoon, working on his own clothing company or something like that, I don’t know, I didn’t look too closely.

Anyway, the weirdest thing is that this guy is, like, apparently a missionary or something. Like, he preaches at Christian events and stuff. He really, really fucking loves Jesus. I guess he was openly a Christian all though school but he never made as big a deal out of it as some people I knew. It’s just weird, you know? To think of this guy spreading the word of God and then going home to his fiancée, when he’s the same age as me. I can’t imagine meeting someone I’d want to spend the rest of my life with at this point in my life. I used to think that maybe, perhaps, possibly, I already had but I guess she thought differently and I’m seeing more and more how stupid I was. And now, after everything that I’ve seen and everything I know about the world, I can’t believe in a God either. If there was undeniable proof that God exists in today’s world, with everything else exactly the same as it is now, I still wouldn’t believe, just to spite God for doing such an utterly shitty job.

I guess this post is me saying that although I’m ok regarding certain things - I’m not about to be as crazy an ex-boyfriend as I was being a few months ago, I am over her, I don’t want her back anymore, which is good because after everything that’s happened I really shouldn’t. But I’m not doing so well in other respects. I don’t know what I’m doing and I don’t know who I am and I don’t know what happens next. I don’t think I like my life very much right now. But I do like Molly Ringwald films.

Wolf Parade - I’ll Believe In Anything.

This is a great song but I hate it because it reminds me of everything that is wrong with me and my life. It won’t get out of my head. I’m listening to it on repeat. I am not happy with many things right now. I am not happy with how my life is going. I am not happy with how I am treating people. I am not happy with who I am. There’s only so many times that this song can hammer that home but I guess it hasn’t run out yet. I’m sorry, everyone. I’m sorry for everything I’ve done. People always seem to think I’m a good person, but it generally turns out that I’m really not. I’m lucky that sometimes it takes people long enough to realise that they stick around and I get some pretty good friends that I probably don’t deserve. I should really stop doing things and saying things and drinking things that I’ll obviously regret and that are obviously a bad idea. I might change my mind about all of this. I might delete this post. I might be ok, I might not. Maybe I should just shut up. But for now: this song. I’ll believe in anything. I wish I could take something positive from this song. I wish I could use it for something good. But I guess not. I’m staying in bed. I’m keeping the curtains drawn. I’m listening to it again. This isn’t about you. This isn’t directed at anyone. This is about me. I’m sorry.

One Toy Soldier at The Soundhaus, playing with Tellison and Stapleton. The second time I saw OTS. I wanna say April 2006, which means I was fifteen when this picture was taken on my Dad’s old camera. Today I’m wearing the shirt I bought the first time I saw them. It’s still too big for me. I miss seeing One Toy Soldier. I miss Northampton feeling like home. I miss a lot of things. I feel sick and blurry and I hate it.

I have wine in the fridge. I feel like drinking it but I’m too lazy to go downstairs right now. It’s cold out there. That’s a bad spot to be in. Too lazy to drink yourself to sleep. This sounds too melodramatic. I am not feeling so great right now. I am upset about a number of things. Some of which are certain, some of which are less certain. The uncertainty is part of the problem in some cases. Not to be all whiny but, fuck it, why are things just not lining up for me in any way, shape or form lately? Everything has been going wrong for months and everything that goes right doesn’t last or comes at some sort of cost. Bad timing, awkwardness, jealousy and insecurity are plaguing me to a ridiculous degree.

I don’t know what will happen and I don’t know what I want to happen. All I know is that I would probably give anything to be watching One Toy Soldier right now. Which will probably make any of the band members feel incredibly awkward if they ever stumble across this. No matter what has been going on, or no matter what happened afterwards, I would do anything to have my life be as simple as it was when I was seeing them fairly regularly. I mean, I dunno, I was pretty miserable then, too, but at least things weren’t as bad as now, and I had my favourite bands to help me through it.

Shutting up now.

Tonight I overcompensate for being away from Tumblr for so long, so excuse the big long list of posts all together. I’ve done the pointless pop culture references, I’ve done the bad camera phone photos, all that remains is the self-indulgent whining. Oh, and there’ll be a song later, too. So here goes.

I’ve not really told anyone everything that’s happened this summer. Different people know different scraps, but the whole picture, the one that weighs on me when I’m alone, still isn’t clear, even to me. I can’t explain it all to anyone else because I can’t even explain it to myself. How can I? How can I order it all, make sense of it, write it all down and then stand to read it back? I don’t know. I don’t really know anything. I have pretty terrible writers block on anything I actually WANT to write at the moment, and all I know is I’m glad to be back here, even if I do have to haul all of my stuff in to the attic room to use the internet illegitimately. I can get away from everything a little easier up here, and although a lot of people have left, which is bad, the ones who’ve remained are still among the best people I’ve ever known.

Also. Maybe I’m confused, or just being self-involved (neither would be out of the ordinary for me lately), but it’s a pretty weird experience to see a tumblr post about how much of a dick you’ve been get 200+ likes. I’m not complaining. It’s all fair enough, and beautifully written to boot. It’s just weird, and I’m sorry. If, y’know, it is about me. Which I’m pretty sure it is.

Oh god, what am I talking about?

Out of focus boredom self portrait. 28/6/2010.

I am bored. I am bored of music and I am bored of writing and I am bored of tv and films and books and arguing and people and this town and always being the bad guy and the way I look and being on my own and being lazy and the internet and cameras and just… everything. There is probably a lot of things I could do about it, but I can’t seem to do any of them because I either don’t know how or don’t want to. I need a new life because I’m bored of this one.

I think the worst part, or one of the worst parts, or maybe just a regular part because all of the parts are the worst part, is seeing how happy you are without me. It makes me think that maybe I should let you go, but I still can’t. Instead, I’ll look for more distractions and hope for the best because I’m stupid like that.

Jimmy Eat World - For Me This Is Heaven.

One of my all time favourites. I have neglected Clarity over the past year I think. Such an amazing, life-changing/affirming/defining record, and I adore it so. It is keeping me company whilst I can’t sleep, as it has so many times before.

Today was a good day. Laziness in Evo and the park, marathon Halo ODST session and a Garth Marenghithon. But I guess I still can’t quite believe how some people can act in the way they do. I guess you never really know a person as well as you think. Or maybe you just ignore the things you don’t like.

And this is why I was so hayfevered: half an hour sat under a tree in the park behind the church. Horrific. I hate having hayfever, though sainsbury’s own brand of hayfever pills are better than all the benadryl and name brand stuff I’ve ever used.

Oh yeah, I got new aviators too, seeing as how my old ones fell apart and disappeared. They’re reflective. So. Y’know. Aviators are the only sunglasses that suit me.